A Year Later

It is hard to believe it has been a year since my dad passed away. Little by little it has sunk in that he is not around anymore. I remember thinking to call him to ask him a question a few weeks after he was gone and being dumbstruck that he was not going to be there to answer. Instead, now I wish I had paid a little more attention to all the knowledge that he had. Asked more questions. Been more patient. I think even though we knew he had cancer, and we knew the inevitable ending, we all lived a little in denial. I always thought I would have a little more time, another chance to learn what he knew. But I was wrong, and there were only so many chances.

Last June we knew my father would not make it another year, and my sister and I had the same struggle to buy our father a father's day card. What should his last father's day card say? Mary called one of her friends who had also lost a parent and asked, "Why didn't you tell me all the lasts will be so hard?" And the response she got was, "All the lasts are really hard. And then once he's gone, all the firsts are going to be really hard too." (The card I gave was blank inside and I just wrote, "I love you, Dad.")

So it was true. My first birthday without my dad. Our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's. And the hardest of all, his birthday without him. Leo is always there with us. We still make sure we have the foods he loved, and tell stories about our favorite holidays with him. And we pick on my mom to try and make her as flustered as he did ;)

The days go on, we keep living. We survived all the lasts, and now we have been through most of the firsts without my dad. It makes it easier to think of him with the rest of our family, all together and having a big party. I know that he suffered, and that he did not like how weak he had become, how forgetful he was, and how confused he could get. The chemo took its toll on him, and how he was in those last months is not how he would want to be remembered. Instead I remember the big guy who came to all my soccer and hockey games, who drove 4 hours to watch my first crew regatta and after the race was over (a full 45 seconds of rowing) said, "That was it??" (We lost, btw). The man who could throw back a few drinks, and had a few great dance moves. The man who drove big trucks, who could operate a backhoe like no one's business, and who remembered every septic tank he installed. The man who loved each of his kids and was proud of everything they had done. That was my dad.

Happy Birthday Daddio!

Last Monday was my dad's birthday. My dad LOVED his birthday. His excitement every year rivaled that of a ten year old, and while at times it was annoying, it was also wonderful and contagious. We celebrate every birthday in our family with the same exuberance, getting the whole fam together for dinner and cake, and a few presents. Having his birthday in January was an added bonus because, frankly, January sucks. It's cold, we're usually low on money, and it's easy to get depressed. But his birthday was a chance to celebrate, laugh, and forget about the middle of winter for a little bit.

We still all got together and had a great meal and a great time, but it just wasn't the same. I knew all the firsts without him were going to be hard. We made it through a lot of other birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, but his birthday was just impossible for me. It caught me by surprise. Sometimes it's good to be caught by surprise, let out a few tears, and get it all out there.

In the last few years our family has grown, and winter isn't as bleak as it used to be. We now have another birthday in January, one in February, and then things warm up a little in March. There are many causes for celebration, and my dad loved every second of it. I'm so happy that I live in close proximity with the majority of my family, that we're able to get together on all these occasions, and sometimes just because it's Tuesday.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Though really I suppose it's Happy Black Friday! I work in retail, so for me it's not all that happy. And I work for a store that got to be open on Thanksgiving, so super fun time there. While it was definitely not the best Thanksgiving I've ever had, I still have much to be thankful for.

Our three dogs drive me crazy at times, but our house would be empty without them. I have a lot of laundry to do, but it's wonderful we are able to afford clothes for ourselves, a washing machine and dryer to clean them, and this house to keep us warm. I'm grateful I have a dependable vehicle that gets me safely to and from my job, that will hopefully last for years to come.

I got to spend time with my mom and my "other" mom (my best friend's parents invited us over), and while I did not see my husband as much as I would have liked, I'm very thankful that we were able to get married while my dad was still alive and able to enjoy himself. It's been a rough year, and I'm so very grateful my husband has been so supportive through all of this.

And now it's on to Christmas! I did not venture out for any Black Friday deals this year, but I've decided Cyber Monday really appeals to me much, much more. Picking something out while in my pj's and having it shipped to my door is definitely the way to go. Although, I hope the hubs isn't home when it gets delivered!

I've been avoiding posting for a few weeks because, well, my dad died. And I thought I had to write something profound and heartfelt to show how wonderful he was and how much I loved him. But I was heartbroken and couldn't find the words.

Then I had too many words. They all came jumbled inside, and I had to get all of them out, but it made no sense and because the world's longest run on sentence.

So here's what you need to know: I love my dad. Though he was sick for a long time, and I truly recognize that he's in a better place and not suffering anymore, I still wasn't ready to not have a dad anymore. Most days I get through the day just fine, and then it will hit me that he's not here anymore.

There doesn't have to be just one post about my dad, there can be many. I have thirty years of memories of him, I can't get them all out at once. I think that's how it should be. Someday, I will tell you all about his last days, because they were actually quite wonderful. Right now it's all a little raw, but now it's out there, and I can move on ever so slightly, a little bit at a time.